The Steamhouse
by FengLi
Summary: Your local 'Zutara' narcotics dealer has created a new product line of parodies available in this compendium format: A compilation of sorts of my various ridiculous crack one-shot stories that examine many of the popular plot lines so apt to be found in this LEGENDARY relationship.
1. Waiting is for Sea Prudes

A/N: I don't own A:TLA, its characters or anything else from its universe.

* * *

An unnamed man banged his fist on the oily mahogany table filling most of the room.

"She must marry now, given her position as a Princess of the Southern Water Tribe! It is essential for her Honor!"

Zuko perked up at the mention of Honor.

Katara, descended from a woman who had run away from her home and everyone she had known because of an arranged marriage in middle of a century-long war to the other side of the world, and who had challenged the pre-eminent waterbending master in the north to a duel because of his misogyny, acquiesced wordlessly to the proposal despite the elimination of the possibility of marrying a certain young airbender she had long had romantic inclinations for, indubitably proving herself to be the timid, demure and unargumentative person she had very clearly been during the war.

"Oh, but who shall I marry?" she asked breathlessly.

While Hakoda moved to object to the characterization of his family as being royalty, Zuko, who was sitting next to Mai across the roundtable, stood up and declared his Honorable Intentions.

"For the sake of maintaining my Honor, for the good of the world and for all that true and just, I humbly offer the other side of my bed as a sacrifice."

Mai stood up right after her husband had concluded speaking. "I accept this plan. If I were to stay with Zuko, I would inevitably be killed by a deranged Fire Nation Princess, die in childbirth, or be assassinated by a pair of jealous ninjas." _Hmm, I wonder who those ninjas are. Oh, wait! By Agni! It's the same pair who - it's Zuko and Kat-_

But it was too late for Mai. Zuko nodded to her and she was consumed by a puff of steam, hopefully never to be mentioned in the story again.

Katara and Zuko glanced at each other nervously, their shared secret hanging between them in the stuffy air - no wait, steam.

Suddenly, the almighty Avatar finally grew a backbone and roared angrily at the travesty occurring before him.

"Does anyone realize that I AGE!? People keep saying that I'm too young for Katara, but if we wait a few years to be married, like _most _normal people do, then the difference matters less and less! Do you guys have any idea of how humans mature?! I've been in love with Katara my whole life, and..." Aang paused when Katara suddenly dropped her head against the table with a loud *thunk*, her usually angelic face marred by a trail of drool.

"Hey, who spiked her tea?" Aang shot a rare glare at their caterer, Iroh, who shrugged nonchalantly.

"Well, true love always finds a way."

Toph giggled girlishly, while Sokka suddenly felt an urge to check his cactus juice stash to see if any had been siphoned off.

"Alright Zuko...it's just you and me."

Zuko's usually fierce scowl had dissolved into one of unconstrained horror. "Um..." Zuko's gaze darted nervously from side to side as Aang continued to glare at him.

"I challenge you..."

Zuko's mind was reeling. He was only one for three in his last three Agni Kais, and he knew that Aang hated him with all his guts, not only for trying to steal Katara from him, but more importantly for stealing her necklace, which he hadn't thought of buying an insurance policy for yet, given how precious it was for everyone involved.

"...to a Pai Sho match."

* * *

After the game, Aang clapped the trembling, traumatized Firelord on his back.

"Hey, good game. I know you've probably heard this before, but one of the greatest things I admire about you is your persistance. Even when you knew that-"

"Aang, I really appreciate it, but I need to go make things up with Mai. Can we talk about this later?"

"Alright...but how are you going to find her? I thought she fell into a plot hole, and you know how those are..."

The Elegant Fire Nation Noble Mai suddenly reappeared by the Honorable Fire Lord Zuko, hopefully as something other than an afterthought put in to assuage readers finding her characterization to be reminiscent of character-bashing.

"Mai! I'm sorry for leaving you for the...what, third time? I hope you'll forgive me!" Zuko seemed torn between being ecstatic with her sudden re-materialization and throwing himself on the ground in yet another tearful apology. His distraught expression and naked shame was so clearly written on his face that Mai couldn't help but welcome him back with open arms.

* * *

Everyone lived happily ever after until they began somewhat mysteriously dying off during a seventy year gap in storylines. Suspiciously, Zuko and Katara had managed to avoid, or as some believed, secretly caused, the lack of longevity among their friends. Inevitably, they euphorically returned to one another to enjoy their secret romance that had been denied them so long ago in a ignominious backroom conference. Sadly, their Romantic Chemical Reaction had long run out of reactants, and they were unable to create the steam that had so often characterized their time spent together.

This was incredibly fun to write...we need more of these on the site!


	2. A Girl Worth Fighting For

A Cracktastic rewrite of _The Waterbending Scroll. _

The melody, "What do we want? A girl worth fighting for!" belongs to Disney.  
Everything else in this story belongs to Nick, Mike and Bryan.

* * *

Zuko turned his head away from his boisterous men as they continued singing the song they had learned from his Uncle last night, grinding and clenching his teeth in frustration at the absurdity of it all.

"What do we want?"

_For you all to shut up, _Zuko thought miserably.

"A girl worth fighting for!"

_Ugh. _

"What do we want?"

At the second refrain of the not-so-rhetorical question, the hotheaded prince finally lost his patience.

"Silence! We are on a mission, and-"

Iroh suddenly appeared by his side with surprising speed, given his bulk, and gently turned him away from the still-rambunctious soldiers.

"Well, what do you want?" Iroh wagged his eyebrows mischievously. "Do you want a girl worth-"

"No! Why are you even asking me this?" Zuko replied irritably.

"I just thought - ah, well, you will find your love one day."

Zuko continued to stare wordlessly into the thicket of trees lining the winding river, trying to catch any glimpse of movement.

"Do you think they could've flown away already?" Zuko asked apprehensively.

"Highly unlikely. There would be absolutely no reason for them to fly for even just an hour away from an area in which they were recently identified and pursued, or to stay away from the river given the occupational skill set of high-risk traders."

"Um..ok, that makes a lot of sense."

Suddenly, Zuko caught a flash of movement with his clairvoyant vision.

The person's graceful, lithe figure, bending and twisting acrobatically in the glowing moonlight shining down like a heavenly beacon, stirred a primal, dark hunger in everyone but Zuko, who had not yet realized that the person was even a girl.

More than a few moments later, Zuko rather belatedly realized that the ship's course had changed.

He whispered to his Uncle, who was having trouble keeping the ship from running aground given that the entire crew's attention had been diverted elsewhere.

"Why did the helmsman change his course? We need to sneak up on the Avatar, not go straight to him!"

* * *

Beyond the final line of trees on the sandy river bank, Katara, who was unaware of the Great Passion she was stirring in the boatloads of men sailing down the river towards her, continued to innocently bend her element under the radiant glow of the moon.

Out of the blue (pun intended), two ships suddenly came on shore, and a horde of men emerged from within. Zuko jumped off from where he was standing from the prow.

_Dang it, she's not the Avatar! _

"Tie her up to that tree!"

His completely professional order was answered by a chorus of whoops and cheers from the pirates as his own men carried out his wish with surprising enthusiasm.

_What? They haven't been this eager since...Kyoshi Island. I wonder I knew what motivated them. Maybe Uncle knows. _

Iroh, on the other hand, was shocked at his nephew's straightforward audacity. _That was quick...my talk with him earlier must've done something. Still, it's not right...and why did we bring the pirates along anyways? I can't remember..._

Zuko, frustrated by the absence of the Avatar, quickly made his way to the front of the crowd of leering onlookers. While the pirates were uninhibited in their attention, Zuko's men at least maintained a semblance of order, especially given the presence of the fearful Dragon of The West.

_I'll get her to show me the Avatar. _Fishing his hand into a loosely knotted cloth sack, he pulled out a intricately carved, light blue pendulant on a dark navy cloth ribbon and hung it enticingly in front of her head.

"I have something you want, and you have something...I want."

Katara eyed the crowd of burly men licking their lips behind the scarred prince and interpreted his comment _somewhat _differently from what he meant. The end result would've been the same, however.

"Never! You can keep the dang necklace...and you're disgusting!" she exclaimed angrily.

Zuko, being the unyieldingly persistent prince he was, merely tried another approach.

"I'll save you from the pirates." he whispered unintentionally seductively as he leaned in closer to her ear. His hot, passionate breath teasingly tickled her delicate earlobe and seemed to stir a slight breeze that played with her intricate hair loopies, and his glowing eyes seemed to bore into her soul...or rather, past whatever she was wearing. At least that's what an onlooker would have interpreted the scene as.

Katara recoiled violently, arching her back against the rough bark behind her.

"What, so you can have me all to yourself!? Did I mention that you're disgusting?!"

_What? That doesn't make any sense! _"No - no! I-"

Katara didn't wait for him to finish. Unconvinced, she _spit _a globule of putrid, stinking saliva into the Prince's face, which morphed from an indignant scowl into one of pure horror at her actions. He stumbled back and quickly swiped his sleeve back and forth across his face, taking most if not all of her saliva off of it.

With that, a series of catcalls and guffaws went up, and one pirate in particular saw it as his chance to stake his claim. "Looks like the Prince isn't even man enough to start the job!"

"Hey!" Zuko paused when he noticed what he was clutching in his palm. _The waterbending scroll..._"I have the scroll! Go find the A-bald boy, and I'll give it to you!"

"Ah, who cares 'bout the scroll. We want the girl!"

"What?"

"You heard us!" another pirate with a heavy polearm piped up.

"Fine! You can have them both, for all I care...if you capture the bald boy!"

Katara paled when she realized that the scarred prince was completely clueless.

"Hey - um..." she started in a harsh whisper before Zuko marched past her, completely ignoring her desperate look.

Luckily, another member of the royal family followed on his heel, one not so inclined to go stumbling in the wood during the dark pre-dawn hours.

"Miss, are you alright?" Iroh intoned cautiously.

"Your 'Prince' is an idiot, besides being mean and creepy."

Iroh ignored her comments about his esteemed nephew. "Would you like some jasmine tea?"

"Can you untie me?" Katara bit back.

"Um..." Iroh trailed off before lowering his voice to a hushed whisper. "Don't worry, my dear. The pirates will betray Zuko when they realize that your friend is the Avatar. That will be your chance to escape."

Without looking back, Iroh struck up a whistle and walked casually back to observe the variety of small herbs and potential teas dotting the marshes.

About ten or so minutes later, with her friends bound and besides her, and while trying her best to ignore the rather large hands _groping_her, she leaned over to Sokka and shared her plan. As expected, it unfolded perfectly; and as a bonus, they even recaptured the waterbending scroll and destroyed the two ships in the escape.

Iroh didn't even have to lift a finger to help them...but later that night he did have a discussion with his nephew about the day's events that was filled with embarrassed mumbles and uncomfortable glances.

* * *

"So you're saying I was the only one who didn't pick up on this?"

"Yes, but-"

"And my crew was...playing along?"

Iroh shifted guiltily. "Perhaps we should stop in port more often? Its been weeks since we last did, and...they may need to relieve themselves."

"I'm not stopping in port, EVER AGAIN, if that's what they're doing. Your shopping is bad enough, but...ugh!" Zuko complained. He grimaced and shuddered in horror at the mere thought.

Iroh wagged his eyebrows suggestively at his nephew's obvious discomfort. "How do you know that shopping is _all _I'm doing?"

"Get out! You can't be serious!"

Iroh hastily backtracked on his poorly timed joke. "Of course I wasn't!" he cried indignantly.

Zuko sighed and laid down on his bed, not bothering to take off his armor as he tried to dispel a lingering suspicion in his mind.

"Why are you holding music night today when we just had one yesterday? Are the men really in a mood for it?"

"You bet they are! I think they may even be in the mood for writing a new song or two."

"Alright...have fun." he murmured reluctantly.

iroh tried to hide his eagerness as he turned to leave, but it was given away by the spring in his step. Zuko ignored it, however, instead choosing to focus on the shadows dancing on the ceiling.

That night, an incredibly romantic legend was born. This legend would soon inspire countless stories of a dark Prince coming to save a helpless Maiden from the ravage of war and high-risk traders, and how they fell deeply in love somewhere during their brief interaction.

Iroh was not pleased when he found out, but it was far too late. He would never let it on, but there were a variety of reasons for opening a teashop in Ba Sing Se away from his nephew.

* * *

Be sure to read my other stories...many of which are similar to this!


	3. A Dubious Peace

A/N: Crack/parody of the "Katara gets is forced to marry Zuko for peace after the canon series/AU-no war" plot line. The 'Ambassador' and 'Comfort Zuko after Mai's death' plotlines deserve their own parodies.

Disclaimer: I don't own A:TLA or anything from it.

* * *

"The must be a marriage alliance to preserve the peace."

In a hazy smoke-filled room, Zuko only argued half-heartedly with his advisors, as he sensed an opportunity here to grasp (quite literally in fact) something that he had sought and had been denied so long.

"Well," he began with a sly expression on his face, ignoring the apprehensive expressions of his advisors at the sudden change in his demeanor, "I might agree. It depends who marries who."

The group of pandering yes-men visibly relaxed, reassured that he had not completely rejected their proposal.

"My lord, a union with the greatest nat-"

"Do you mean Katara?" _I can't hold it back any longer, I must know! I've waited too long for this moment! _

His proposal was only met with a lengthy silence, and after a moment Zuko stood up abruptly.

"I'll take that as a yes...please make the necessary preparations."

"Sir, that duty falls to the head of ser-"

"Also, please give Mai my condolences. I am sure she has no feelings for me anymore even though she essentially sacrificed her life to save me at the Boiling Rock."

"Sir," one man finally sputtered, "We meant that a nobleman should marry an Ear-"

"I don't want to hear any more of it. The Water Tribe is the other great nation in the world, especially because of their _beautiful _water princess." _So, so beautiful! I can't believe I can finally have her...I've held myself back for so long! _

Iroh peeked his head into the room as a pair of frantic advisors pulled him forwards by his shoulders.

"Zuko, what is going on? You can't be serious! The Water Tribes have no nobil-"

"Oh, but she is a princess to me." Zuko smiled dreamily as he recollected his last, heated argument with the Water Peasant - _No, PRINCESS_, he reminded himself _- _over the release of the captured waterbenders still imprisoned throughout the Fire Nation.

Iroh only tilted his head down as he tried to hide his shock at the inexplicable change in his Nephew's _interests_.

"And what about the Avatar? His love for her is legenda-"

"Ah, he'll get over it." _Aang's just a runty little kid who is too immature, clingy and possessive, even if he was trained from youth as a monk to be detached and embrace freedom. He'll always be twelve years old, even though he's like thirteen now._

iroh gaped at Zuko as if he had grown another head.

"You can't be serious!"

"Oh, but I am." Zuko stated confidently. "Katara needs a _real _man to take care of her, even if she's probably the most self-sufficient person in our whole group. I'm sure she's completely forgotten my role in the near-end of the whole world and death of her best friend, so she's ready to love _me_. Everyone knows that _hate _is really _love." _

Iroh's expression darkened and he moved to confront his nephew, but Zuko suddenly summoned the walls of flames around the throne and continued his monologue.

"Katara is now a princess in distress, and I will regain my honor by saving her from her obviously unhappy and completely one-sided relationship with the _child _who dares to claim her for himself..."

As Zuko continued to ramble on, Iroh and the other advisors only backed away slowly. As soon as they cleared the room, they made a mad dash to the central courtyard to catch the descending airship.

"He reminds me of Ozai...the logical fallacies!" one advisor muttered under his breath.

* * *

For a moment, Iroh tensed slightly at the loud *clang* of the hull touching down, but he relaxed when he saw the pair of small, bare feet pattering down the metal ramp.

"Ah, welcome good friends!" he exclaimed happily. However, his joyous expression wilted when a certain waterbender suddenly pushed Aang off of her and ran towards the throne room. _Oh no..._

"Iroh, I thought you said he was kidding!" Aang growled angrily.

"I - I...I'm sorry."

Iroh bowed his head in shame as the tension in the air became nearly tangible.

"Well, I guess I'm Twinkletoes' consolation prize now?" Toph asked bitterly.

Aang couldn't reassure her fast enough. "I didn't want you that way Sifu Toph." Aang replied.

"Thanks, that makes me feel alot better." The expression on Toph's face brightened visibly.

Aang couldn't detect the usual sarcasm that flavored her snide remarks. "You're serious, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am. It would be creepy if you wanted to be with Sugar Queen and then switched to me because she rejected you. It makes it all feel like you're just using me like you do your Fan Club."

"Well, I don't use my Fan Club that way...but that's not a bad idea, now that I think of it. Katara always did say that I was full of love." Aang paused thoughtfully and sent a furtive glance at the irate earthbender besides him.

"Maybe I should share it with others? I do have a duty to repopu-"

Toph held up a hand to Aang's mouth, silencing him with her palm. "Whatever Twinkletoes. Let's go back to Omashu." _I don't want to know I don't want to - isn't Aang thirteen? _

"Ok." he mumbled.

* * *

The legendary alliance between the Greatest Nations heralded an era of peace unseen for generations. In fact, the peace was _extremely _unseen because it lasted for as long as it took for the news of the hastily marriage alliance to disseminate.

While peace reigned supreme in the Fire Nation home islands and the Water Tribe polar regions, someone _somehow _conveniently forgot to keep the peace in the other 95% of the world, where the majority of the fighting and devastation had occurred for the past hundred years.

Angry at his Kingdom's exclusion from and complete lack of representation at the peace process, the Earth King united the disparate groups within the wide expanse of the world's largest landmass.

"They will regret the day they forgot about the Earth Kingdom! We are the ninety-five! We are the ninety-five!" his soldiers chanted as they moved in a horizon-darkening mass towards the Fire Nation.

* * *

The Firelord and now-Firelady sat contentedly on the soft loam surrounding the royal turtleduck refuge, whispering words of passion and transcendental love to one another as they reveled in their newfound life of luxury. The scene was so picturesque, so _perfect_, that readers failed to notice the complete absence of the other main characters of the show, who had been discarded in favor of the blindingly obvious romantic and emotional compatibility between the smooth-talking, dashing Firelord Zuko and the helpless and wholly infatuated Firelady Katara.

"Oh, Zuko." Katara gasped breathlessly. "You take my breath away as if you were an airbender." _Shoot, I should've used 'burn with passion! Is he going to leave me? Oh no! I'm so worried now, I ruined everything! Wahhh! _

Zuko however didn't feel a twinge of jealousy at the thinly-veiled allusion.

"Oh, Katara, " he groaned huskily like the carnal, bestially animalistic person he had secretly always been, "You stir my passion...like a cactus juice cocktail." _I'm so suave _he thought smugly to himself.

Suddenly (it wouldn't have been sudden if his guards were even slightly competent), a loud shaking began to emanate from all around the turtleduck refuge, and Zuko got up with a start, his feel already splayed in a defensive stance.

"Who's there?"

His rhetorical question was answered when grim, stony-looking men in green uniforms began streaming out from the buildings surrounding the Royal Gardens. Surprisingly, interspersed among them were many of the imperial firebenders that, until now, had been the mainstay of Zuko's royal guard. To say that he was completely shocked would be an understatement.

"You didn't think you could get away with this, did you?"

Mai jumped down from the ornate, lacquered roof of a nearby building.

Zuko was dumbfoundedly aghast. "Mai? What is this?"

"It's a rebellion." she said simply.

"Against what? And why?"

"Don't you see?"

"See what?"

"Forget it." Mai flicked her wrist, and a several figures emerged from behind the rooftops.

"Aang? Toph? Sokka? What are you guys doing here?"

Toph spoke up first. "You can't be married to Katara, Zuko."

"Why not?" he whined.

Sokka sighed. "Even If we go by what you say and assume that my sister is a _Princess_, you still can't marry her to keep the peace. It's blatant favoritism, especially when the Earth Kingdom is so much larger and more powerful. Why didn't you get married to Toph or something?"

Toph stomped once and raised herself several feet on top of a pillar. "I'm not saying that I want to get married to Zuko, but I'm practically royalty in Gaoling. And even that small town has like a twenty times the population of the entire Southern Water tribe."

"Sorry guys, but I've been harboring a secret romance for Katara ever since I half-destroyed her village and manhandled her grandmother." Zuko clutched the purple (because that's what you get when you mix red and blue) necklace around his manly collarbone tightly, holding onto it as if it were the only thing in the world that mattered.

"So? She was giving me clear hints that she liked _me _for a whole year." Aang piped up. "What do you say, Katara? You've been silent the whole time."

Katara coyly played with her hair as the two most important men in her life fought over her. "I just don't like how I'm being treated as some sort of prize."

"Katara, I thought you loved me!" Aang and Zuko exclaimed.

"Why don't you guys talk it out? I'm too emotional and confused to decide for myself right now."

Aang grinned evilly at that. "Talk won't solve problems, only action will."

Zuko backed away slowly from the bellicose Avatar towards an exit when his Uncle suddenly emerged and blocked him with his large, muscular chest.

"I warned you earlier Zuko that this was a bad idea."

"Arggg! Why did this blow up, like everything always does?"

"Yep, still Prince Angry Jerk." Sokka commented sarcastically.

"Just...take your sister and go." Zuko's desolate frown turned into a scowl. "I hope Aang is happy with his damaged goods."

Katara turned livid at his last statement and summoned the water from the pond, turning them into jagged icicles. Surprisingly, Aang leapt in front of Katara to protect the cowering Firelord. "Katara, shop! We still need him as a figurehead!"

Zuko tilted his head upwards at that. "What do you mean, figurehead?"

Mai stepped over Zuko and picked him up with surprising strength as his Uncle closed in from the other side.

Iroh sighed and slumped his shoulders, rubbing his brow with one large hand. "Typically, a marriage alliance is carried out between the nobility of nations."

"Yeah, and?" Zuko said impatiently.

"I said nobility, not royalty. A marriage between royalty _unites _the two lands from which the couple came. That is why this cannot be allowed to continue, as it's being seen as another attempt by the Fire Nation to seize more power."

"But I don't want the South Pole. That place is a frozen wasteland!"

"Wow, thanks Zuko." Katara said sarcastically.

"No-no, I didn't mean it like that!"

Sokka uncrossed his arms and tossed his hefty club from side to side. "I think you did...but I don't hold it against you. Just annul this marriage and we can all go home in peace."

Zuko wasn't done however. "What did Aang mean by saying that I was needed as a figurehead?"

To the right of Toph, Aang facepalmed at his careless giveaway of their secret plan.

"My nephew," Iroh began patiently before Mai interrupted him.

"I'm not here because I care about you, if you were wondering. I'm representing the nobility. They want to throw you out and replace you with Iroh."

"Wha-What! That's treason!" Zuko's desperate attempt at 'reasoning' only caused everyone's eyes to roll their eyes further.

"You've shown blatant disregard for the MOST BASIC traditions. FIRE LORD. The Firelord must be able to BEND FIRE. You're throwing our entire society into chaos because you can't keep your hands off of the water Peasant."

Sokka frowned and looked expectantly at Mai.

"Ok, fine. You're not peasants. You can call yourselves whatever you want." Mai rolled rolled her eyes and turned back towards Zuko.

_Hmm, _Sokka pondered to himself. _I like the sound of that. I wonder if Dad will let me choose. My name for our group never really stuck. _

"Anyways, the point is that you are being disposed in favor of your Uncle here. He's...finding a heir as we speak."

"But...I can fix it all! Mai, will you marry me?" he blurted out. _Hopefully I still have my romantic charm that everyone knows is hidden beneath my dorkiness. _

"Wow Zuko." Mai said dryly. At the hopeful expression on his face, however, she was forced to clarify herself. "No."

"Please! I swear as soon as I get divorced from Katara you'll have my complete devotion and honesty and everything! PLEASE!"

Zuko was practically wailing as he clutched the ground beneath Mai's feet.

"Alright...one LAST chance...with several conditions."

"Ok? What are they?"

"We don't sleep together."

"No! Mai - I swear, I'm not this awkward in bed! People say that I'm incredibly masculine and passionate!"

Almost everyone in the courtyard groaned in disgust at that.

"Zuko, it's not forever. Just until I think you're mature enough."

"Alright...fine. Anything else?"

"Toph moves here."

"But-why?" _This could ruin everything... how else am I supposed to-_

"Hotpants, I know what you're thinking! I'll be coming along to make sure you..yeah. I can feel and hear everything that's going on and I'll be Mai's lie detector...not that she needs one that much." Toph collapsed her earthen platform back into the ground and walked over to Zuko, earthbending a small pillar that forced him onto his feet.

Zuko was completely stricken, but he knew he had no choice. "Alright..I'll go along with the plan." _Wait..._"So am I not the Firelord anymore?"

"Yep...sorry, you had your chance but this completely blew it. Practically the whole country is occupied by Earthbenders or rebel Firebenders. They built a giant floating pontoon together with all the ships they captured after the war."

Toph turned away when everyone began staring at her. "It was Sokka's idea! I just taught a few people how to metalbend!"

Iroh stroked his beard as he contemplated the act of 'finding' an heir. _Well, there was this one girl..._

Dissatisfied but out of options, Zuko reluctantly acquiesced to Mai's plan.

"Want to go live on Ember Island?"

"Nah...some of my old boyfriends live there. I'm sure your Uncle will let us stay here."

* * *

"Now...what do we do with my sister?" Sokka asked nobody in particular.

Katara turned towards Aang as if the answer was written all over him. "Aang." she called softly.

Aang only backed away from her at her words. "I'm sorry..."

"Who is it?" Katara asked in a acidic voice dripping with jealousy, already dreading the answer.

"Um...my Fan Club."

_What? _"Seriously. Who is it?"

"I am serious. I had too much love...so I had to _share _it."

"I don't get how it would work with an entire Fan Club though..."

"In Ba Sing Se, groups and companies are considered as a single entity for tax purposes. I incorporated the Fan Club with Toph so I could marry it."

"Toph...why'd you let him do this? Aren't you - are you a part of it as well?" When Toph didn't answer, Katara's jealousy leapt to even greater heights. "WELL ARE YOU?"

_That's Madam Fussy Britches for you! _"No...and it was completely Aang's idea. He just needed me since I'm rich and _he's _not." She pointed at the indignant airbender.

Aang huffed angrily at the accusation. "Not me! You know what lengths Sokka goes to keep his sister away from me!"

"Actually, I prefer you over Zuko."

"Thanks Sokka, that makes me feel a _lot _better." Aang said dryly.

Katara couldn't believe that Aang would do that to her, but she supposed that it was somewhat deserved. "Wait, did you...you know..."

"Well, it _was_ first come first serve. It was my duty to the world, you know?"

Katara couldn't believe what she was hearing. _Her _Aang being a...some sort of...

"You're disgusting! I can't believe you would _use _people-"

"Hey, it was all willing and consensual! And do you know how many young women are widows because of this war? They miss having that _love _in their lives. Anyways, " he continued, "I saved you a spot at the front of the line but you were with Zuko, so I had to put the reservation on hold. Do you want to claim it now?"

Sokka couldn't resist the urge to gag.

"I guess?" Katara swallowed the lump in her throat and her pride along with it. "Can you...do you still want to..." she trailed off awkwardly. _Zuko must've rubbed off on me in more ways than one. Wait, eww!_

"Yeah, I'll get divorced." Aang turned around, muttered quietly to himself, and then turned back towards Katara with a bright smile. "Done." _Convenience of being able to marry yourself. _

Everyone lived happily ever, even as the real characters of Avatar futilely resisted the mischaracterization that had plagued the entire premise of the story from the very beginning.

* * *

Derppppppp.


	4. A-Quacking Aquatic Ambassador

More crack-fic, this time about Katara becoming The Ambassador and the inevitable romance which would accompany that.

* * *

The relentless, biting wind blew over the frozen permafrost and ice floes that characterized the land at the South Pole, dropping the temperature so low that even the thick furs of the indigenous inhabitants who lived there could not completely deny the chilly air.

Within the surprisingly warm confines of a heated igloo, the elders of the Southern Water Tribe discussed their radically new post-war diplomatic strategy, as so much had changed that they felt the need for their ragtag group of survivors to send numerous representatives abroad.

Honorable Chief Hakoda, Father of the Great Warrior Sokka and the Great Waterbender Katara, stood up to address the gathered tribesmen in their first meeting for the day.

"I suggest that we appoint an Ambassador to-"

All of a sudden, the back wall of the igloo dissolved into a flurry of water through which stepped the no-longer-last Waterbender of the South Pole, Katara. Behind her, Aang and Sokka could be seen several tents away with shock written all over their young faces.

"- the Fire Nation!" Katara piped in excitedly. I've waited my whole life to spend my time held up with boring negotiations at the peak of my youth! I can't believe this opportunity-"

Hakoda couldn't read minds, but the eery gleam in his daughter's once-hospitable eyes was highly unnerving.

"Dear," he began before being interrupted once again by his daughter.

"Can I go today? I can't wait any longer! Usually I dally around and pretend to actually not want to be in such a stuffy position, but today I've realized that I'm a very diplomatic and patient person!"

Her unforgettable performances with the last two groups of power-brokers she had met, the Earth Kingdom generals and the Northern Water Tribe Council, came to everyone's mind. Her diplomatic nature, maturity and respect for foreign (or even domestic) customs had been clearly demonstrated. The duel with Pakku had been a completely family-friendly, non-confrontation spar between like-minded colleagues, of course.

Even as everyone shook their heads, Katara snatched a piece of parchment entitling the position of Fire Nation ambassador and wrote her name not-so-neatly on the blank spaces below.

" Um-Sweetie!" Aang called as he gingerly stepped over the shards of ice and into the tent, "are you sure about this?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I? I really miss Zu-the Fire Nation." she said without a hint of sarcasm.

"Katara," Hakoda chided calmly, "I think it's best if you let one of our more experienced members handle this job. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you deserve a break."

"No, it's final. I'll go and become Fir-Ambassador Lady." her eyes darted nervously as Sokka scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"Well," Aang began slowly, "I guess I could go with her. I have a lot of work to do in the Fire Nation. what with all the people who hate me and whatnot."

"No!" Katara said suddenly. "You need to thoughtlessly leave me in the Fire Nation, alone, so I feel lonely and build an attachment to another powerful bender."

"What?!" Aang roared. "Why would I do that? I thought we were going to be together!"

"We still can, but only on the surface. That way we have thinly-veiled dramatic irony to create romantic tension for the plot to advance."

"Huh?" Sokka grunted. "I'm not leaving my sister alone in the Fire Nation- you're as much as a target for the rebels as Aang and Zuko are, and you will be vulnerable in an unfamilar environment."

"No. it's alright Sokka. You'd just get in the way of me and Zu-the other Ambassador's budding relationship."

"What, you mean the Air Nation Ambassador? I'm not getting in the way of that- I've learned to stay away." he replied warily. "In fact, I think of Aang as a bro-"

"Me too!" Katara said. "By the way, is Toph around?"

"Um...no?" Aang answered in an unsure voice. "Do you need her for something?"

"No, but this story's plot does. Can you call her from Gaoling to coincidentally be there when I break the news to you?"

"You already told me the news, Katara. And I think this is a really bad joke- " Aang sighed and turned towards Sokka sadly- "see, this is what happens when she tries to have fun by herself- she just makes things awkward."

* * *

Ever-so-reluctantly, Katara of the Southern Water tribe stepped off of the ship docked at the Fire Nation Capital. For some strange, unfathomable reason -most likely a plot device- she had been chosen as the youngest Ambassador by almost twenty years to the Fire Nation. For several minutes, she pretended to seem upset and unaccepting of her unenviable new role before that particular conflict was resolved and she jumped whole-shod into her new job eagerly.

Dashing, Handsome Firelord Zuko, whose character oscillated on a periodic, sinusoidal basis between gritty, impassioned duty and sweet, tender romanticism, was there to greet her, sweep her off her feet, take off her shoes (and a whole lot more, had the scene been written for a different audience) and into his bedROOM for a strictly platonic and professional negotiation.

Of course, her friends (especially Aang, who was portrayed as immature and childish for the purposes of annoying Katara) were absent or unaware of the budding romance that had taken root.

* * *

Once again, the young heroes found themselves basking in the passion-inducing heat beneath the criss-crossed canopy of the Dogwood tree hanging over the ubiquitously-present Turtleduck pond, a completely original and heartrending metaphor for Zuko's hidden tenderness and suppressed softness.

"Oh, this is so wrong, in many ways for so many good reasons, but why does it feel so right?" Katara asked breathlessly. "Also, that was a rhetorical question. Please don't answer it- just make your actions speak for you by kissing me, Zuko."

Zuko obliged, albeit somewhat awkwardly, and he kissed her with so much fervor that he didn't see Mai staring at him, open-mouthed. Of course, from previous encounters with her eventual demise by character assassination or plot device in countless scenarios before, she knew better than to try to fight. She left quietly and disappeared, never to be seen again, at least not in direct proximity to the main characters, an action which had become a disgustingly common trope in itself, but nevertheless seemed to be the least evil way to solve her and Zuko's dilemma - even if it made her seem like a spineless gold-digger.

But do not let that trouble you! Have faith, for the most succulent part of the paradoxically forbidden and inevitable romance between the Fiery Waterbender and the Cool Firebender was still to come!

After an indeterminate time (several months, usually) Aang appeared.

"WHAT IS THIS?! I TRUSTED BOTH OF YOU-"

But before he continued further, Aang looked back on his previous encounters with unreasonable people - and that direct confrontation almost always never worked. In this case, acting out of character would in fact make him look bad, even when similar amounts of uncharacteristic behavior by the two protagonists of the story had the opposite effect of endearing them both to the audience. Ignoring the pain of the double standard, Aang resolved to try to make Katara jealous in the most natural and effortless way possible - by being himself.

For some reason, the story didn't end up as expected when even one of the main characters decided to act in-character for once. Aang visited the local Fire Nation high school and predictable hosted a dance party, and Zuko and Katara reluctantly attended.

Unfortunately, Airbenders are naturally the most acrobatic and flexible in bodily movements. After only a few minutes of watching Aang easily dance circles around crowds of captivated young women (and more than a few men hoping to pick up a thing or two, both literally and figuratively), Katara could resist no longer. She eagerly undid the hair knot holding up her Fire Nation crown and ran over to Aang's side, pushing away the gushing fangirls to the side as she neared him.

Meanwhile, from below the table, a perfectly geometrically-round pothole appeared, and Mai emerged, already well-groomed and perfumed and with a pre-made knot arranged in her hair. Unobtrusively, she placed the crown back on her head and took a well-deserved sip of spiced red plum wine.

Zuko didn't even notice - he was too busy carefully studying the dance movements to try to learn them himself. Even as he struggled with them, he knew he was never going to give it up - and was never going to let it down.

Honor!


End file.
